I don’t know what parent needs to hear this or spouse….or anyone for that matter. Some people are takers, and some people are givers. This is just how the world works….and it’s unfortunate. Me…I like to think I’m a giver…my husband may not see it that way because I don’t give him sex when he wants it. Sucks to be him….sometimes after giving all day you just don’t want to anymore.
My kids are takers….and most children are. An this is not to say most kids are not nice, and polite, or caring. I’m saying kids take alot from their parents though. They take alot of time, they take alot of patience, they take alot of sleep, worry…you see where I’m getting here. Kids are alot of work…an I love my kids….but sometimes someday they take too much from me. Mom I need something to drink….even though I am physically capable of getting it myself, mom I need you to take me to work because I didn’t use time management well and will be late. Mom I need worms to go fishing. Mom I need you to help me find my favorite stuffed animal I cannot sleep without. Mom do you know where my fishing pole is….even though I had it last. Mom I need to be irrational over a red cup you gave me. Mom I want to play the video game for an extra hour. Mom…mom…mom.
I don’t know what people think stay at home moms do but they can f- off. I am up from eight in the morning to midnight. I get up with me kids feed them and turn on cartoons before I even get to pee, brush my teeth or have coffee. I listen to them fight over games, fight over toys, fight over fucking food. They fight about things others did they fight about what others didn’t do. I pick up my house a million times a day. I change kids million times a day. I feed them lunch that they may refuse to eat because I’m not thier mom so they don’t have to listen to me. I fight with them the rest of the day. We stand in corners, we get our butts whooped, older children remain hidden so not having to help so can take a shit without the little one getting into something. I do laundry can’t run the dryer it’s hot as fuck in our house with no air. Have to hang the clothes on the line…it’s alot of work but people are like your mom it’s your job. I sweep the carpets everyday because my dog and cat are finally losing their winter coat……black hair everywhere you walk. I make dinner now…yes now. If I said all the time I would be lieing and my husband would yell at me for it.
I give these kids alot I give them clean clothes, I give them food, I give them toys, I give them freedom to make choices that were never given to me. I give them alot. It’s not just my children same applys to my husband. I give my kids everything they need so they don’t have to ask him after he has worked all day. An it wouldn’t matter because he rarely will do it without a hey go ask your mom comment. My daughter could not get a bag of frozen food open and my husband refused to help her. An I lost my shit on her and asked if she was retarded. No not my finest moment as a parent….and I did exactly what my husband does when he’s mad me lashing out at others. I mean I was upset with her because she is fifteen…I opened the bag in two seconds….is it really that hard….why do I need to do it. After all fucking day of doing this…why could he just not do it for her. She is a good kid….but yes she takes alot also…..I don’t think any of these kids relies what they are taking.
I am tired. I am beaten…I am defeated. I have given and given and given these last few months at home, and I feel like I’m losing mind. I get as a parent you take care of your kids…any you all may not see this as then taking anything from me….but I feel as a mom and a wife I am taken for granted. I am in my room crying right now…. because I have given my all today and the day before and the week and the month….and I AM TIRED!!!!! I am trying to get away from the takers…. because givers need breaks sometimes….My husband had the audacity to say that I was acting wrong…that I have been. Seriously….be a parent that gives all I do. An yes I know he does things he says you cannot even imagine the things I do for you guys. I know what he does….he goes to work. I went to work once too…I know what that is like as well. If you read my blog I DON’T WANT HIS JOB, you would see what my schedule was like. An I had to do all the same shit I was doing with a job except cook dinner when I was working obviously. Some nights I would scrape together premade food for them so it wasn’t kids starving whining. I have more time now….but my kids since I’m home also take more from me now. I don’t get a break, I don’t get a moment of quiet. If I’m not with the kids I’m with my husband apparently acting weird.
When the hell is it my time to get…..when is that going to happen..when am I going to get a moment where my kids are not screaming? At nap time, bed time? No because then there is the almost every night fight about something with the bread winner. Something to do with kids, or how he’s tired because I worked hard and I say I know…in actuality he lets me know I don’t. I have not a fucking clue what he does for this family. Well apparently he had no clue what I do either. I am struggling here not just as a mother or a wife….but as a person. I deal with some deep shit on a daily basis. An I feel like help is not something I get alot and I’d I ask for it I feel bad. Like I’m doing something wrong asking for help from my husband or older kids….it’s an inconvenience. They will say it’s not….but huffing and puffing and body language go a long way.
I don’t care what anyone has to say about me. I give, I have my whole life….I give my all when I set my mind to it. I give myself to my kids all the time…if I go out if feel bad. I also feel and because my husband brings it up on a dailey basis if I did something with out kids…and he never gets to. He also sits outside after dinner…chain smoking and drinking. An only gets up when he hears me screaming because it’s driving him nuts. I have to ask him to help me do things and when I get attitude like the kids give me, I just say never mind. Right now I am in my room in the dark upset. Today took a toll on me…and no one ever sees it…I don’t let them…so that’s my fault. I had a moment and lost it with Kait. What really topped it off is my two year old came up and head butted me in the gut. Today was a lot. Alot of kids today asking for things and not willing to help me in return. I haven’t bathed in three days now….I haven’t slept for shit, I’m starving myself to lose weight and dreaming about food for God sake. Right now I’m not okay. Today was my breaking day. Today was the I have had enough day. I am tired, I am upset, I am hurt, and I am beaten and defeated.